Eds in Wonderland
by A.Fox
Summary: An alien entity by the name of Cthulhu bestows upon the Eds superpowers to drive out his mortal enemy the Queen of Hearts!
1. Chapter 1

(disclaimer I do not own Ed, Edd, n' Eddy, Alice in wonderland, call of cthulu. heck I don't have copyrights to anything I included in this story please review)

Etrigan112524 presents

Eds in Wonderland: An earth-99 tale

Chapter1: welcome to r'lyth (aka wonderland)

The Eds were running for their lives again. They say you should learn from your mistakes. Well what they learned from this was. Never try to scam big round stones painted to look like jawbreakers. They all swiftly ran off and hid in their home (Ed however grabbed every caned good he could find in his parent's kitchen and holed up in his room.) here the story could end but it would make for a very dull story wouldn't it.

That night the Eds had a dream they all were in. they were sitting in chairs and seeing a bizarre crowd sitting in their own chairs and talking among themselves consisting of. The Mad Hatter, the March Hare, the Cheshire Cat, the White Rabbit, the Dormouse, the Caterpillar, the Dodo, the Griffin, the Mock Turtle, and Bill the Lizard. From Alice's adventures in wonderland and The Walrus, The Carpenter, and Tweedledee and Tweedledum from through the looking glass. But the one at the end of was the weirdest thing they ever saw. It was big with green leathery reptile like skin and enormous bat like wings as well as twenty octopus like tentacles along with a mouth of razor sharp teeth and a massive head sitting on a great throne. It looked at them for what seemed a long time before he spoke and when he did the words appeared in their minds as well as hearing it too.

"you three the ones known as Ed, Edd, and eddy. I the mighty Cthulhu welcome you into my house." Cthulhu lifted his hand and a big teacup, and saucer hovered, up to him. he took a couple sips before using his power, to put it back down he then said.

"I know what you're thinking Eddward how can this be Cthulhu is only a myth and a fiction. but I assure you I am neither a myth nor a fiction. what H.P love craft wrote was simply the inspiration I gave him via the visions that inspired his writing. but now it's time to get down to business" with that Cthulhu began to drink more tea

"and now……hey" Cthulhu cast a glare toward the mad hatter and the march hare

"you two this is no time to launch the dormouse into the air again we have guests." grumbling to themselves the hatter and the hare. untied the firework from the Dormouse's back and resumed to drinking their tea

"you'll have to excuse their behavior you see they're quite mad crazy I mean" Cthulhu explained

"Now without further delay" Cthulhu said as he spoke three of his tentacles began to wrap around the Eds soon they were completely covered by the tentacles then he said

"you three out of the other twelve I have chosen are going to be the first of this batch are going to receive meta-human powers the gifts are as follows" there was a short pause before he said

"you the one known as Ed you are to receive the gifts of accelerated healing and air manipulation meaning you can heal almost any injury except decapitation (yes you can regrow limbs) and control the air as you wish from gentle breezes to hurricane force winds heck you can even fly after a little practice" he then cleared his throat and addressed double dee

"you the one known as double dee (I would prefer Eddward though) I give you the abilities of acid generation and cold and ice generation and manipulation meaning you can release acid in either a jet, a spray, or simply by touch you can also generate great cold, ice, freeze blasts, and with some practice blizzards and ice constructs and bridges you can use for many things such as traveling or shields" he then addressed Eddy

"and you the one known as Eddy you are to receive the gifts of concussion blasts and earth manipulation meaning that on a whim you can generate blasts of concussive energy of variable force determined by you alone. you also can bend the earth to your specifications like say causing an earthquake, rising hunks of rock for use as platforms or make them explode, create pillars and holes and any kind of construct you can think of out of earth, and separate parts of earth to make tunnels" with that Cthulhu pulled out his watch and looked at it. His eyes grew big and he then said

"well well well morning already I guess I should send you on your way then just one more thing before you go if you touch one the following people Jimmy, Sarah, Jonny 2x4, Rolf, Nazz, Kevin, and any one of the Kanker sisters you will break the seal on their powers as well. so I wouldn't recommend touching them unless you have no choice. Remember I will contact you sometime within the following week about the threat you face and practice much as you can and you will now awake" and with that they all awoke simultaneously.

"wow that was the strangest dream I've ever had" Eddy said to himself as he awoke

"wish it was true though I mean who knows what I could do with that kind of power" but when he jumped out of bed he suddenly felt a tremor shake up the cul-de-sac curious Eddy stomped the floor and a second tremor came Eddy's eyes grew wide In shock as he realized the truth

The dream was real

(chapter 2 will be in next week oh and please review)


	2. Chapter 2

**(Hello, hello, hello. This is chapter 2 of Eds in Wonderland. Now for those of you didn't read chapter 1. I will explain what happened last time……..in rhyme. Ahem, the mighty Cthulhu gave superpowers to the Eds to throw out she who goes "off with their heads" **that pretty much summed up what happened last time on this fanfic and now on to our program.)

(disclaimer I don't own the rights to anything in this story)

Chapter 2: The Most Annoying Person to Ever Get Superpowers (or enter the Queen)

Now down in Wonderland as this all was occurring. the Queen of Hearts (no really that's her name) was sitting in a solid platinum/brick castle's TV room in a solid platinum chair watching TV on a solid platinum set. (what? she's the queen isn't she.) She happened to be watching the stock market and was none to pleased that the "Trump pork and beans company" stock had dropped down to below sea level, and she was none to happy about it as she had invested a lot of money in that company. 

She showed her disapproval by bellowing, "off with his head" and giving the stocks announcer a thumbs down.

"But your majesty" a sniveling cowardly servant said, "it's not his fault the stocks went down."

"Criticizing my judgment, eh, OFF WITH YOUR" but just as she was about to say HEAD, the servant ran out of the castle screeching "help, help a decapitation crazed lunatic wants my head."

"Well that's another wanted poster for the post office," the Queen said to herself and then opened up a heart shaped cell phone and barked into it. "Mister Tweedledope, prepare my wormhole device. I want to survey the area I chose for my earth palace and bring the jester, the knave, and the executioner with you too. I want to make sure there are no interruptions" as she shut her phone a wormhole opened in front of her and she stepped in

As the Queen and her stooges went to the surface Cthulhu (who had just read the Queen's mind and knew where she was going) called the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse to the hanger bay. When they got there, the Hatter said "you should have called someone else it's my unbirthday for Pete's sake" 

Cthulhu glared down at him and said "every day of the year except your birthday is an unbirthday. Now listen up, I want you three to watch over the chosen ones and make sure they're safe. I just got wind that the Queen of Hearts is heading up toward the surface so get your rears in gear and make sure she doesn't kill anyone"

To which the Dormouse replied in his sleepy voice "twinkle, twinkle little bat how I wonder what you're at, up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky, twinkle, twinkle" and then nodded off and then the March Hare said, "I told him not to switch to decaff"

Cthulhu was getting very angry at this time and bellowed "WELL, GET GOING" "yes, sir, right away, sir" said the Mad Hatter and the March Hare who grabbed the Dormouse (as he was the only one who could pilot their craft) and ran toward their ship the Liddell (named after the first person on earth to go to Wonderland) which looked like a flying teapot and blasted through a rabbit hole and onto earth (note the Dormouse is asleep.)

Meanwhile on the surface Ed woke up and because his brain was two sizes too small didn't doubt the dream for a second. Thus proving the limits of his gullibility despite the fact the dream was true. "Gravy," he said as he awoke (simple words for a simple mind) and jumped out of bed flapping his arms in a vain attempt to fly. (Which if any of ye read the last chapter you would know he had been given the ability to do many things and flight was one of them.) But wind powered flight is done in a different way, especially in this story. Therefore, as you probably guessed, he fell flat on his face.

Outside his room, however, things were not looking good. Again as ye who read the last chapter know, Ed holed up in his room. But what you didn't know is that his bossy sister, Sarah, with the help of her friend, Jimmy, who happens to be a stereotypical wimp had led siege to his room and she just broke down the door .

"Alright Ed give me the money you jerks stole from me or I'LL TELL MOM." Now Ed is many things a strong guy, an idiot, and a living b-science fiction movie database. But one of the many things he is, is the fact that despite his recent superior healing factor, he was already immune to some degree of damage. But despite that, there are only two things that can scare him beyond belief. That's the threat of punishment from his mom (and the other being May Kanker) so naturally you can assume how scared he is, and then something extraordinary happened.

He broke wind, but this time was dramatically different than other times. He did it differently because when he did he was sent flying through the air. He did a few laps around the room singing "he farts thru the air" before partially losing control of his flight and flying right through the roof and started crop dusting the cul-de-sac in a spray that only woke up Jonny (strange) but would produce an odor worse than the E.M.S.B. or El Mongo Stink Bomb.

As Sarah watched Ed fly around, she was getting quite angry. She soon decided on a course of action. You see Sarah had a way of settling all difficulties big or small and yelled out "I'LL TELL MOM."

Meanwhile as Double Dee was having breakfast, he smelled a very bad smell like Ed's basement magnified a thousand times. When he opened up the windows to see what happened, he couldn't believe his eyes for there was Ed on fart powered flight. He said to himself "no, impossible, Ed can't fly. Cthulhu isn't real and" he was about to say something when he smelled something and looked down and saw to his horror that his feet had melted through his shoes. "No, this can't be happening I can't generate acid" and pinched himself several times in a vain attempt to wake up when he heard a rumble beneath the ground and ran out of the way just in time to avoid a hole appearing where he stood. Then Eddy appeared from the hole "Hey, Double Dee, what are ya doing?" he asked "t-t-this is im" "impossible yep, but true." Eddy said cutting off Double Dee. 

"How do I know you're not a delusion?" Double Dee asked. He was wondering if he was seeing things. "Let's see if a delusion can do this" he said and stomped the ground. Then an enormous tremor shook the cul-de-sac so much that Double Dee thought the whole neighborhood would collapse "or this" he said and pointed his open palm at Kevin's house. The air crackled with power one second and then a second later a beam of power shot out of his palm and there was a gaping hole where his door was "Well?" Eddy said "am I delusion or not" 

"I-I-I guess so" Double Dee said "see now let's go unto more important things, such as where the heck is lumpy?" Eddy said "look out the window Eddy" Double Dee replied "huh?" Eddy said a little confused then he looked out and saw it. "This is a rip off of my El Mongo Stink Bomb. Oh well, this should bring him down to earth," he said. He took careful aim and shot Ed right in the buttocks. 

Well, then all heck broke loose as Ed (cut off from his fart propelled flight by sore buttocks courtesy of Eddy's power blast) began to plummet from the sky and he crashed right into Jonny 2x4's house. "Great, now we have to get Ed out of there. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DOUBLE DEE!" Eddy said pointing an accusing finger at Double Dee.

"My fault? You're the one that shot Ed out of the sky" Double Dee replied defending himself, "you should have talked me out of it" Eddy retorted "that is so juvenile I'm not even going to argue," Double Dee said.

Jonny 2x4 woke up with a start when he heard the crash. Startled, he slipped downstairs and saw Ed. True to his irritating self, proceeded to annoy him. "Hey Ed whatcha doing?" Ed looked dazed and started babbling "rama fama limy pigslop GRAVY." Seeing no response (at least none he could understand,)

Jonny poked Ed in the stomach. This was a big mistake because when he did this he lost consciousness (See he had powers too and the seal on them was broken when he touched Ed) and he didn't get it back until the other Eds got there.

When Eddy and Double Dee got there, they saw Jonny wake up and then he got a little angry (see he also fell for their fake jawbreaker scam) and said "you jerks give me my refund now or else."

"You don't want the money," Eddy said and waved his hand.

"What, of course, I want the money" Jonny retorted.

Eddy said, "so much for Jedi mind tricks" and instead blasted a clear hole in Jonny's ceiling which shocked him, but not for long. "Did you get a dream with some big scary tentacle guy in it calling himself cthlulu." "It's pronounced Cthulhu, and yes we did."

Double Dee replied, "Hot dog Plank. That means we've got powers too. Let's go to the junkyard to practice." "By the way, I'm curious what powers did you get?" Double Dee asked.

"Something called bone manipulation and something called plant manipulation." And with that, he ran off to the junkyard. 

"Well, there goes the most annoying person to ever get superpowers. Eddy, we should practice our abilities, too, you know." Double Dee said "to the vicar the soils will uh ummmmm stink?" Ed had finally regained consciousness by now you see. "Go Ed, to the victor the spoils will go" Double Dee said correcting Ed. Then they heard something. It seemed that the rest of the cul-de-sac had woke up and was following the path of destruction. 

"Meet ya at the junkyard." Eddy said quickly and then opened up a hole in the ground and began to tunnel his way to the junkyard. "Last one there is a rotten something" Ed proclaimed and took off on fart powered flight and flew off to the junkyard. "Well here goes nothing," Double Dee said and stretched out his hands and blasted the ground with a freeze ray and began to slide along it. But there was something on his mind all the way there "what on earth would Cthulhu need help fighting against?" he was thinking. Little did he know that he was about to experience it first hand in chapter 3 which will be up next week.

(reviews please)


	3. Chapter 3

(Welcome readers to chapter 3. Before I begin though, I would like to point out that I don't own rights to anything in this story or to anything I'm going to parody. Note the parody of Alan Moore does not reflect the views of the author.)

Chapter 3: More Than Enough Parodies to Put You Off Them for Life (or "Off with Their Heads")

"Wonder where those dorks went?" Kevin said to himself as he went though what was left of Jonny's house following Ed's crash. The others had woken up by this time and had got to Jonny's house. When they got there, Kevin said, "any of you know where those dorks went?"

"Rolf saw nogoodnik Ed boys running for the junkyard," said Rolf.

"Good, now let's get those, but before he could say dork, he heard something strange and said, "am I the only one whose hearing 'hot rod Lincoln' at the moment or is it just me." Before anyone could answer a giant teapot flew out of a rabbit hole beneath the house with a banner attached to it that said, "eat at Joes." It turned around in the air and the banner's other side said, "well whatcha waiting for a written invitation." It then showed the other side again only this time it said, "come on Joe is paying me money for this ad." Then it turned a final time, and it too was different then the first time. That side showed itself "oh, never mind, you five are like talking to brick walls" and with that flew off in the direction of the junkyard.

Kevin feeling incredibly weirded out said, "something tells me we're not supposed to go to the junkyard." Little did he know that he was right in more ways than one.

"Hey guys, check this out," Jonny said and extended the bones at the bottom of his feet so they functioned like stilts. (Never mind the fact that it hurt like all get out. He just wanted to show off.)

Eddy rolled his eyes and said, "big whoop, watch this" and then raised his hands towards the sky and where a pile of scrapped cars was an enormous pillar of stone rose from the ground. "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVY" Ed screamed as he flew spiraling toward the ground, but just before he hit the ground he pulled up.

"Ed, you really ought to practice other powers," said Double Dee. He then said, "take this for instance." upon saying that he pointed both hands at the sky. A freeze ray came out of his left hand and a pressurized spray of acid in the other creating a small cloud of snow above a pile of cars. As the snow touched it, the cars quickly melted. "Acid snow," Double Dee explained.

Suddenly they heard some voices and stood perfectly still. When suddenly, the Queen Of Hearts and four other weirdoes strolled in. The first one was a purple skinned deformed bruiser of a man dressed like Tweedledee. The second was a thin, lanky man with metallic looking arms who looked like a humanoid playing card. The third was a jester with a big scimitar. And the fourth and last one was a man in a cloak with an ax with the ax head looking like it was moving at an incredibly fast speed. Now the Queen didn't see them because she was reading the blueprints for something, but the rest of them did. "Duh, Queen," said the purple skinned one.

"No interruptions, Tweedledope, do you have a death wish or something," the queen said.

"But Queen," the lanky man said.

"Didn't I just tell Tweedledope no interruptions ,Knave Of Hearts?" the Queen said. Then she turned toward the other two "and what about you, Jester, and you, Executioner, were you planning to interrupt me?" she barked in their faces.

"Oh, no, Queen, not at all," they both said at once.

"Good," said the Queen. Then she looked at her blue prints again and said, "the chamber for the royal Pooh-Bahs will be where that pile of junk is and the royal decapitation chamber will be where those four idiots are and the….FOUR IDIOTS" she said and pulled out a set of glasses and then said "ah ha four of Cthulhu's chosen ones OFF WITH THEIR HEADS." At this the four goons charged at them. Tweedledope took a few wild swings at Ed and tried to bite him, but Ed simply flew away. That didn't stop Tweedledope. He just clapped his hands, and a pack of jetpack-wearing rats popped out of a bag he was carrying with him. Double Dee wasn't doing too good on his opponent either. Every time he froze the Knave Of Hearts, the Knave used his incredible strength to smash the ice, and the acid didn't faze him either. Eddy was having worse luck. Every time he fired an energy blast at the Executioner he simply used his ax to cut through the blasts. (It was advanced technology you see.) Trying to use the earth as a weapon was pointless too. He also just cut though it as well. It was the same thing for Jonny. His bone extensions were easily cut by the Jester's sword. It was also the same thing for the plants he summoned to try and knock him down

They were cornered. There was no way out. "Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, yes, OFF WITH THEIR……..am I the only one who's hearing "hot rod Lincoln" or is it just me?" It wasn't just her that's for sure because at that moment the flying teapot rammed into the Queen and her goons. They started rolling around the junkyard like pinballs. Two cars at the entrance to the junkyard acted like flippers. Then the Eds saw the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse jump out of the saucer. The Mad Hatter quickly put a magician's cap on top of his hat and acted like he was playing pinball while the March Hare sang "Pinball Wizard."

When the song was finished, an angry Tweedledope lunged at the Hatter, but he was halted in midair and somehow hovered by few inches away from the Hatter who was now dressed up in a Star Trek outfit. (His hat was still on him, however.) He pulled out a communicator and said, "fire the phazers, Scotty."

Then a sleepy voice with a slightly Scottish accent said "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Bat How I Wonder Where You're at. Up Above the World you Fly Like a Tea Tray in the Sky, Twinkle, Twinkle." And then a ray of energy flew from the flying teapot (or the Liddell if you prefer) and zapped Tweedledope sending him flying though the air, bouncing off a wrecked jalopy, and flying into a rabbit hole portal that the March Hare dug. The Knave of Hearts tried to rush him, but then the Hatter put a wig that resembled weird Al Yankovic's hair beneath his hat and then sang the weird Al song "I'll sue ya." And when he did, a mob of lawyers ran into the junk yard and beat the Knave Of Hearts senseless. Then they threw him down the rabbit hole.

When the Jester ran up to them, the Mad Hatter pulled out a fiddle and started playing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." And then instead of running the Hare through, he challenged the march hare to a fiddle duel. (They literally fought a sword duel with fiddles.) However, despite this difference the March hare beat the tar out of him and threw him down the rabbit hole. The Executioner, however, being one of the only two creatures in Wonderland that's sane, (the other one being Cthulhu) would be difficult to faze Therefore, the Hatter and The Hare ran up to him and held an unbirthday party for the Executioner. But when the Executioner blew out the candle, the cake blew up in his face. (That's what happens when you blow out the candle on a Snark cake.) It sent him flying straight up in the air, and he fell right through the rabbit hole.

The Queen was infuriated. "You three will lose your heads for this," and upon saying so, she threw out a pack of playing cards which turned into 56 card soldiers. The Hatter and the Dormouse ran inside the Liddell, but the March just dressed up like Alan Moore and started to type "stupid things" on a typewriter when suddenly two holes showed up on the front of the Liddell. They saw at the controls the Dormouse dressed up like Nite-owl from "The Watchmen." On the top of the Liddell was the Mad Hatter who was dressed up like the Comedian who was also from "The Watchmen." The Hatter took a puff of his cigar, hacked and wheezed a few time and barked, "ALRIGHT YOU FREAKS, GET OUT THIS JUNKYARD NOW, YA GOLDBRICKS, BEFORE I DRILL YA WITH RUBBER BULLETS." He gestured at the machine gun he was carrying.

The card soldiers began to back off when the Queen shouted, "if you all chicken out then OFF WITH YOUR HEADS." This frightened the soldiers into charging at them. So the Hatter opened fire and drove them all back in the hole as he jumped down and became normal.

Hatter the Queen pulled out a flamethrower and said, "time to take the problem into my own hands, but as she approached, the Mad Hatter force fed the Dormouse fifty pounds of beans and held like a rifle with his rear end facing the Queen. He then cocked the Dormouse's tail and an uncomfortable look showed up on the Dormouse's face. The March Hare pulled up a sign that said, "seems like Scooby Doo 2, doesn't it?" And as the Queen fired her flamethrower, the Hatter pulled one of the Dormouse's toes and he broke wind. Except this fart had enough force behind it to force the flames back in the flamethrower. Then **kaboom the flamethrower blew up, and the Queen flew through the air and straight down the rabbit hole. **

**The Eds and Jonny watched in amazement as the Hatter, the Hare, and the Dormouse beat the tar out of their would be assassins. As they finished, they went into the Liddell and flew off into the woods. As they flew off, Jonny said, "breakfast sounds good right about now." Upon hearing this, Eddy said "you guys haven't lived until you've tried one of my omelets." And they went off to Eddy's house to discuss what to do next and to see if Eddy's claim was right. **

**The Hatter and the Hare; however, had an unbirthday party in the woods.**

**(Chapter four will probably be out next week. Send reviews, please)**


	4. Chapter 4

(Welcome to Chapter Four of this fanfic. If any of you thought the last chapter was insane, well get used to it. This story's going to get even crazier as it progresses. Please note, I do not own copyrights to Ed Edd n Eddy, Alice in Wonderland, Marvel comics, Crazy Gang, or Call of Cthulhu)

Chapter 4: An Explanation (or "A Very Merry Unbirthday")

As the Eds and Jonny went to Eddy's house through the woods, they heard strange sounds and went to check it out despite Ed's claim that the noises were from "killer mutant zombie art teachers from planet x."

When they got to the source of the noises, they saw a large table with more teapots on it than there are chins on 99 sumo wrestlers. At the end of the table were the Mad Hatter and the March Hare drinking tea and singing the "The Unbirthday Song." The Eds and Jonny were not impressed: however, and wondered if they should go home when Ed shouted "look it's Hatter Madigan." This got their attention as they began shouting "no room no room." The Eds were confused. They thought that they would start beating up them like they did to the Queen and her goons. Then the Mad Hatter asked, "is it your birthday?"

"Who are you?" Double Dee said.

"Answer my question and I'll answer yours," replied the Hatter

"If it will get you to answer my question, then its not my birthday. It isn't their birthdays either." Double Dee replied. He thought they would be disappointed.

But then the Mad Hatter said, "a very merry unbirthday to you then."

"What's an unbirthday?" a puzzled Double Dee asked.

"You have only one birthday per year. All the rest are unbirthdays." the Hatter said.

"As strange as that sounds he does have a point. Now my question's answer, if you please?" said Double Dee.

"We'll talk if you give us a nice unbirthday breakfast," the Hatter said dipping a saucer into his cup and eating it like toast. At this Eddy's eyes lit up when he heard this. With a look of pride on his face, he said, "you haven't lived until you tried one of my omelets."

When they got to the cul-de-sac; however, they found everyone else patrolling it. (Except the Kanker sisters of course.) Eddy said, "You guys stand watch while I get us in." With that, he focused his mental concentration and made a tunnel to Eddy's house right under Kevin and the others noses. As they got behind Eddy's house, they opened a hole in the backyard, slipped in the house, and locked the doors. When they into the kitchen, the Hatter spread a cloth and 80% of the table was covered in teapots.

"Whoa how did you do that?" Eddy asked.

"It's nothing hard for someone who can bend the rules of physics until they snap," said the Hatter.

"WHAT?" shouted everyone.

"Same thing goes for the March Hare. We were given this by Cthulhu." He took a sip of tea and said "I presume you want to know our history and why he gave you these powers?"

"Well, of course, I for one want an explanation," said Double Dee.

The Hatter then said, "well it began back in 533 BC when the great old ones came to earth. They made a city and placed it a mile or two off the coast of new Zealand and named it R'lyeh after their king. They also took infants from their cribs in the dead of night, as well as other kinds of earth creatures, and raised them up in their ways. The problem is their brains weren't suited for the way of the great old ones. Thus was the beginning of insanity. Another thing it did, regardless whether they were a great old one or not was that some point in a person's life they would stop aging completely at some point. I did at 46 in 23 AD. Anyway, everything was okay. The madness was safely in R'lyeh until the birth of an upstart named the Queen of Hearts. She drove all the great old ones back to their planet except for one - the town doctor and scientist, Cthulhu. He possessed the rare ability to give people great power. He was determined to see to it that the madness would never be unleashed on the earth and that their city would belong to the great old ones again. So he recruited me and everyone else you saw in your shared dream to throw out the Queen. We were first visited by outsiders in 1865 by a girl named Alice Liddell, the star of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland." After that, she visited it's sister city G'teyh, also known as Looking Glass Land. After that, Cthulhu decided outsiders with extraordinary powers might be able to help him liberate R'lyeh. So that's it.- that's the cause for your extraordinary powers. "

As the Hatter finished, even Eddy was stunned. The air was heavy with tension for a few minutes before Double Dee spoke, "are you telling me, Cthulhu gave us these powers because he wants us to throw out the Queen?"

"Yep, that's what that weirdo in the red organization XIII outfit over there with the tape recorder put on his fanfic summary," said the Hatter.

That was when I said, "curses I've been found" and dived out the screen door, hid in a bush, and continued recording with my long range listener. And now back to our program.

**kkzztt **

"Now that the weirdo's left, let's celebrate our unbirthday with another cup of tea," said the Hatter.

"So let's see, we just got to throw out the Queen Of Hearts. That sounds easy enough." Eddy said.

"It's not as simple as that, the Queen can bend the rules of physics just like us at the cost of her sanity. That's how she pulled out that flamethrower at the junkyard, and even before that you'll have to fight her Crazy Gang," said the Hatter.

"Crazy Gang?" said Ed who was confused (big surprise there.)

"The Crazy Gang is the Queen's royal guard. It consists of Tweedledee and Tweedledum's idiot savant cousin Tweedledope, the mutated card soldier the Knave Of Hearts, the Queen's fool the Jester, and the Queen's Executioner. You'll need to refine your powers if you want to beat them," said the Hatter.

"But what do we do in the meantime?" asked Jonny.

"Why practice your powers, of course, and they say I'm mad." said the Hatter.

"Pardon me, but you don't seem mad now" said Double Dee. As soon as the Hatter realized this, he said, "jumping jiminy Christmas, you're right. I've got to act even more mad to make up." Upon saying that, he dived out of a closed window and beat the tar out of everyone else in the neighborhood through outrageous methods. Meanwhile, the March Hare kept singing "the unbirthday song" and drinking tea and the Dormouse was snoozing quietly except for an occasional "twinkle twinkle little bat how I wonder where your at. Up above the world you fly like a tea tray in the sky twinkle, twinkle" while sleeping. and The Eds and Jonny both were thinking "this has got to be the weirdest day in the history of days."

**Meanwhile down in Wonderland**

**The Queen and her men had finally got out of the lavatories they fell in. Infuriated, she stomped off to her castle and turned on the TV only to get even more upset. When she found out that the "Trump pork and beans" stock had gone so low, it was at the center of the earth and her screech was heard throughout Wonderland "OFF WITH HIS HEAD."**

**(Chapter 5 should be out soon. Please send reviews.)**


	5. Chapter 5

(Welcome back readers. This is chapter 5. Note: I do not own Ed Edd n Eddy, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, Call of Cthulhu, and anything parodied here.)

Chapter 5: Cul-De-Sac Wars 1 The Phantom Menace (and by phantom menace we mean the Queen) (or Eds vs. Kankers)

As a week passed, the Eds and Jonny got better control over their powers and it was a good thing too because the Queen was finally going to launch her first strike on earth

**Meanwhile down in Wonderland**

The Queen was rubbing her hands together in satisfaction. (No, it wasn't because she was cold.) "Today is my lucky day, I bet today the world will fear I, the Queen of Hearts," she chuckled and turned on the loud speaker. "Attention, all soldiers assigned to invasion duty - prepare for immediate departure to Peach Creek." As she said this, she heard the launch crews scramble for their ships and she watched them head for the surface. She said to herself, "Let's see what that freak Cthulhu thinks of this."

**Meanwhile on the surface**

"Are you telling me you already know what powers are going to be given to the rest?" asked Double Dee surprised that the Hatter knew what the rest were going to be given.

Hatter sipped his tea and said, "Yep, for example, Jimmy will receive the power of size changing."

"And why pray tell is that?" asked Double Dee.

"Because he's a big baby. Cthulhu thought it would be ironic," said the Hatter. He then continued, "Sarah has sound manipulation projected via her voice because she yells almost all the time. As for Rolf he has accelerated healing, echolocation, matter ingestion, superhuman breath, superhuman durability, superhuman strength, superhuman senses, superhuman reflexes, night vision, x ray vision, telescopic vision, wall crawling, water breathing, superhuman tracking, superhuman speed, and superhuman leaping."

"Whoa, why does he have that many?" asked Double Dee.

"Because he's a very strong person and in good physical condition so thus he gets powers based on physical traits." Hatter sipped more tea and said, "I just hope they don't get their powers activated before it's time."

Just then, Eddy flew down the ally they were walking in. When they looked down the alley to see what made him soar, they saw Sarah with her fist extended in a pose as if she just slugged somebody. and she was standing as still as a statue. "Uh, oh," said Hatter. He then saw Eddy crash into both Jimmy and Rolf. "Triple uh oh," said Hatter and he turned into a rock. (With his hat shrunk down to fit him.)

"Uh oh." said Double Dee "what do you mean by uh oh?" Just then, he saw what Hatter meant because Sarah began to stir again. Therefore, Double Dee and Hatter used this opportunity to leap the fence………and land on Kevin who was working on his bike. They knocked him down and tangled him in the parts pf his bicycle. "We're dead," said Double Dee.

"Highly unlikely," said Hatter.

"What do you mean?" asked Double Dee.

"I mean that his powers are just the ability to manipulate magnetism. All that will happen at first is that his entire body will became magnetic. Meaning everything metal within ten feet will stick to him and he'll move so slow even the Caterpillar will run faster then him and he only walks at a snail's pace," said Hatter.

Just then Ed flew right by them yelling, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFES. THE KANKERS ARE COMING."

Double Dee was confused and shouted back.

"DON'T WE HAVE POWERS?" Ed shouted back then.

"THEY'RE MUTANTS" Double Dee then realized what he meant by that. It meant the Kanker's powers had activated. As if to drive the point home, he heard them right behind him.

"Well, if it ain't my boyfriend." said the one known as Marie.

"Normally I'd run from you all in fear, but not today. You know why?" said Double Dee.

"Why? We could use a good laugh," said Marie.

"Here let me show you, " said Double Dee. He fired a gigantic freeze ray right at them. But before the ray made contact, Marie snapped her fingers and a wall of fire showed up in front of the ray and melted it.

Before it froze them, she held back her head and laughed manically and asked, "You fool, did you really think that you were the only one with powers?"

Double Dee just grinned and said, "It's not whether you win or lose…it's who's right behind you and has powers too." The Kankers looked behind them to see what he was talking about……and got beaned right in the face with a giant energy blast that sent them flying down the street. They flew right into Kevin who was regaining consciousness knocking him and Marie out.

"That does it. I don't care who you are. You punks are eating pavement for that," said Lee. She stretched her arms to lengths longer then a sixteen wheeler and grabbed Eddy. But just as she did that, he encased the lower half of his body in rock. Then a large slab of rock burst from the ground with force equivalent to a jackhammer and sent her flying 500feet into the air. She let go of Eddy in surprise and landed on Kevin who was again getting consciousness back and went unconscious when Lee collided with him.

This left May the only one conscious, but she just shot out long ropes made of her hair out at them before they could do something. But just as she did that, Ed flew right into her stomach knocking the wind out of her and sending her flying into Kevin as well. (What a rotten day he's having) and knocking him and herself out as well just as he was getting up. The Eds heard clapping behind them and they saw everyone else. (Except for Nazz who was just getting up from bed on account of the noise.) and Rolf said, "Bravo, useful for once Ed boys Rolf would want to know how you did those extraordinary things, yes?"

Then Eddy said, "but first" and then shot Ed in the buttocks with another energy blast which caused him to fall………….and brush Nazz as he flew at the speed of a speeding car towards Kevin who once more regained consciousness (and knocked him unconscious again). When Ed regained his consciousness a minute later, they explained everything including the fact that they had powers too. (At that fact, they were amazed.) "You mean that Rolf, the son of a Shepard, can do stuff like you just did?"

"Isn't that what I just…hey you're that guy from last week."

"Oh crap," I said "not again. Me-4 is going to have a field day when he hears this." Then I dove down an open manhole. Now back to our broadcast.

**Ksstz**

"Now that weirdo is gone we can………"

"SHUT UP" yelled Nazz cutting Double Dee off before he could speak any further. Then screeching "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, CAN'T I HAVE A MOMENT OF PEACE AND QUIET ONE SINGLE TIME, DARN IT.".

"What's her problem?" asked Sarah.

"She has great mental power," said Hatter who had assumed his normal form by this time.

"Cthulhu thought it would be ironic that a dumb blonde would be a strong telepath and at the moment she has no control over it." Unbeknownst to the others, Kevin had begun to stir and walked towards the Eds thinking.

"It's pounding time. I don't care how much pain I'm in. I'm pounding these dorks to pieces." But just as he thought this, the ground rumbled beneath him. As it exploded beneath him, he was sent flying into a car. Just before he fell unconscious for the 5th time today, he said, "well this has been an unpleasant day."

Just from the gaping hole in the ground came the Queen of Hearts on a large heart shaped hovercraft and then she said, "Well, well, well, if it isn't the freaks that are going to lose their heads. Oh, well, enough chit chat, I want to see this," she cleared her throat and bellowed "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS."

The Eds knew they were in trouble because the number of card troopers that came were too many even for themselves. They might have been able to take them on if the others knew how to use their powers and if all of them were conscious, but then Hatter changed into a military outfit and jumped high into the sky he reached 10,000 ft. He pulled a nuclear bomb out of his sleeve and rode the nuke towards the ground whooping, hollering, and waving his hat like a rodeo cowboy.

The Eds and Co. jaws all dropped to the floor and stood speechless until Eddy said, "Wow, that reminds me of the movie "Dr. Strangelove (or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb)."

Double Dee was flabbergasted and asked, "your parents actually let you watch that?"

Then Eddy said, "Nope, I watched it when they weren't home."

Double Dee was about to scold Eddy when the nuke hit the ground and only the card soldiers were affected., but they were nowhere to be seen. A second after though, they heard screaming and saw the card soldiers having flown around the whole world and then they all landed in the hole they came from.

The Queen was fuming at this and yelled, "You fools, you may have beaten my army, but you haven't beaten the ace up my sleeve." And with that, she reached into her sleeve and pulled out an ace of hearts card and threw it on the ground. When it hit the ground, it mutated into a thirty-foot tall card soldier.

"This fellow is a mutated card soldier. The chemicals used on him make him mutate into a giant when activated. Oh and did I mention, he is immune to reality warping and attacks from people who weren't born in Wonderland. I'll take my leave now." She flew her hovercraft down the hole. The Eds, Kankers, (who had regained consciousness after the bomb struck just like Kevin did), the other members of the cul-de-sac, and Hatter were about to run for it when suddenly they heard someone say "the time has come!"

Everyone, even the Ace, turned to see who spoke and saw a Walrus wearing a waistcoat and carrying a cane with him. Right next to him stood a carpenter, a dodo bird smoking a pipe, a white rabbit dressed in a waistcoat carrying a trumpet, and last of all a lizard in a soot covered jacket and cap. The Walrus pulled out a cigar, lit it, put it in his mouth, took a few puffs and then said "oysters attack." As he said that, an army of mind controlled oysters popped seemingly out of nowhere and shot a barrage of pearls at the Ace making him step back a little. Then he began to step ahead resisting the pearls, but then the Carpenter grabbed a ton of wood and built a wall in front of the Ace at inhuman speed. This made him stop to smash the wall, and then the lizard used that opportunity to fly high into the air and land right next to him. This caused a small earthquake. It shook him up and he ran off as the giant's foot came down right where he stood. It began to stomp towards the Eds and Co. but was instantly cut off by the Rabbit who fired a sound blast from his trumpet strong enough to make the Ace stagger back.

Then something truly amazing happened. Nobody except maybe Hatter and the other Wonderlandians knew what the Dodo's powers were. They found out a second later when the Dodo waved his hand and then they saw the moon swing down from space and **whack **right in the Ace's chest. The impact sent the Ace flying around the world three times faster then the speed of light before falling down the hole. The Dodo looked at the Eds and asked, "Anyone up for a caucus race?"

**Meanwhile down in Wonderland **

The Queen was furious. She not only failed her first invasion attempt but the "Trump pork and beans" stock hit rock bottom, and Donald Trump was forced to sell that enterprise. So what if the beans turned out to be lethal and made a good substitute for nuclear waste, so what? That was no reason to quit. She was so infuriated she didn't notice the huge shadow looming above her until it was too late. She looked up and saw the Ace about to fall on her and said, "Oh great blazing balls of (censored)." Then the Ace fell on her pinning everything on her down except her head. Only one thought was on her mind -

REVENGE.

**Meanwhile on earth**

**The Hatter sipped his tea and said, "Well folks, it's time we went to throw out the queen, but you'll have to gain some experience with insanity firsthand. So it's off to Looking Glass Land." Before anyone could object, the ground beneath them turned into a deep pit and they all fell through into Looking Glass Land. When they all disappeared from sight, the Hatter said to himself, "And while they're all gone, I'll help myself to all their food."**

**(Chapter 6 will be up soon. Please send reviews.)**


	6. Chapter 6

(This is chapter 6 readers. Things are going to get very weird in this chapter. I intend to use as much stuff from "Through the Looking Glass" as I can. Please note: I do not own the copyrights to Ed Edd n Eddy, Alice in Wonderland or its sequel Through the Looking Glass, anything H.P. Lovecraft made, and anything parodied.

Chapter 6: The Mount of Madness (or Welcome to Looking Glass Land)

Hours seemed to pass as they fell down the hole. Numerous shelves were on the walls of the hole filled with all manner of items. There was a jar marked gravy. Ed grabbed it, but he found to his great surprise it was mislabeled. Instead it was a jar of pickles. Double Dee was trying to keep track of how far they fell, but he gave up at ten thousand feet. As for Eddy, well, he was grabbing things he could pawn when he got to the surface. What seemed like five hours passed before they stopped falling. They landed right in a swimming pool. But the queerest thing about it was that it was hovering and upside down and they still fell through it. But when they hit the ground, miraculously they didn't die or get injured, but they all were soaking wet. The Dodo walked over to them and said, "You're all soaking wet."

Eddy glared at him and said, "Well thank you Captain Obvious."

The Dodo ignored him and then continued, "Fortunately, I know just the thing for wetness - a nice Caucus race." Since none of them knew what a Caucus race was, they were all confused as to what the Dodo meant.

A minute passed before Double Dee spoke up, "What is a Caucus race?"

The Dodo puffed on his pipe a few seconds and answered, "Why the best way to explain it is to do it." Then he drew a circle in the sand (for some reason they landed on a beach with which had the aforementioned hovering upside down swimming pool) and then unlike most races instead of saying, "on your mark, get set, go." He and the other Wonderlandians ran when they wanted and quit when they wanted. Everyone else went along despite how crazy it was. And well, since it's probably going to take a long time for them to dry off. I think we'll check in on Hatter.

**kkzztt**

Hatter entered Jimmy's house in search of more food to eat. He had already looted the fridges, pantries, and cupboards of Kevin, Nazz, and Rolf and still wasn't finished when he opened Jimmy's personal fridge. His jaw dropped and hit the floor. There was only peaches and cream in there. "Hmm, is Jimmy a metro sexual or something? Oh well, who's complaining," Hatter thought to himself. He then preceded to guzzle everything in the fridge. I could describe more of his fridge thievery, but the others are dry now And now we'll tune into Looking Glass Land.

**Kkzztt**

When they finished the race, Eddy asked, "So who's won?"

To which the Dodo replied, "Why everybody has won and all must have prizes." So the Dodo made Eddy distribute a jar of quarters he grabbed in the tunnel to the participants.

When he was the only one without a prize, the Dodo grabbed the jar and presented it to Eddy saying, "We beg your acceptance of this lovely jar." Eddy reluctantly took the jar, and then they all went around the place to see what the place is like now. Here is what happened from person to person.

Ed

Ed was walking through the forest when he saw two identically dressed brothers who were themselves twins. He stared at them for a few minutes before saying, "Cool, someone got cloned." Then he preceded to poke the one on the left. But when he poked him, the figure honked which startled Ed. (You see at that second they were standing so still he forgot they were alive - hence the surprise.)

The man said, "If you think we're waxworks you should pay. They're made to look at for nothing, you know." He then jabbed the other man and then he gave a honk and said, "Contrariwise if you think we're living you ought to speak to us. That's sound philosophy. It is."

Ed then noticed something in on the ground and asked, "What's that?"

The two men gasped at it, and the one on the right said, "Tweedledee you nincompoop, you spoiled my nice new rattle."

Then Tweedledee said, "No, Tweedledum, I think you did it." When he finished, they both picked up some fence posts and began to club each other with them.

Ed looked up and said, "Night sure comes fast here."

The Tweddles looked up from their fight and gasped. Then they ran off screaming, "It's the crow."

Ed looked up and saw a big crow blacker then a tar barrel swooping down at him. Ed then made like a chicken and ran off screaming, "Wait up, guys."

Edd

Double Dee was walking on a briny beach wondering why both the moon and sky were both present when he saw Mister Walrus and Mister Carpenter walking close at hand. They saw him and the Walrus said, "Follow us and you'll have a nice supper. I guarantee it." Double Dee decided to follow them anyways and walked with them down a mile or so until the Walrus stopped near a bunch of oysters and then this exchange was given.

"Walrus-oh oysters come and walk with us, a pleasant walk, a pleasant talk along the briny beach.

Eldest Oyster-oh, no you don't. We're not falling for that trick again.

Carpenter-well, then lets get them, Mister Walrus.

Eldest Oyster-don't you try eating us either. We're wise to that trick too. We all carry AK47s now. So watch your step before we blow you all to bits.

Walrus-that's why I thought up one you can't get around."

And saying that the Walrus mouthed, "Get a boiling pot of water," to the Carpenter and pulled out a flute and threw a tuba seemingly out of nowhere. He threw it to Double Dee who fell over from the weight and was unable to get up. Therefore, he began to roll around instead. Mister Walrus then began to play his flute and the oysters followed him like rats with a pied piper. Double Dee caught on and played his tuba though he was somewhat hindered by his having to roll on the ground. They walked and rolled about a mile or so. Then they saw the boiling pot the Carpenter had prepared on a rock. It was placed conveniently low. Directing the oysters,. oh so carefully they hopped into the pot -every last one.

Double Dee then removed his tuba and said, "Why didn't you just use your oyster mind control?"

The Walrus puffed his cigar and said, "That would be too easy."

Eddy

Eddy was walking through the woods when he heard a tremendous crash and looked to see what happened. He saw what looked like a broken egg only human size. As he was wondering what it was, he heard a loud noise behind him and turned around to see what it was……..and almost got ran over by an army of men and horses the size of New Jersey. He barely managed to dodge it in time and then ran into the woods where he saw a king dressed in white writing in a memorandum book chuckling to himself saying, "I've sent them all. I do hope they can put Humpty back together again." He looked at Eddy and said, "Listen boy, I'll give you a quarter if you tell me if anyone is on road."

With the thought of money in mind Eddy checked the road and replied, "There's somebody skipping and wriggling like a cross between an ell and a little girl. Do you suppose he's Michel Jackson?"

The White King answered, "No, that's my messenger, Haigha, not Michel Jackson. The Queen of Hearts had her goons cut off his head because the way he acted got on her nerves when he went to Wonderland."

Haigha went up to the King and the King said, "Give me a ham sandwich." The messenger/hare pulled a ham sandwich from his bag and Eddy tried to grab it, but the King grabbed it before he did and greedily gobbled it up. The King then clutched his side in pain and said, "The ham must have been bad. Give me some of that hay for my poor stomach." Haigha grabbed a bunch of hay from his bag and stuffed it in the King's mouth and the King devoured it quickly saying, "There's nothing like hay when you're feeling faint or when your stomach is feeling uppity."

"Really!" exclaimed Eddy. "I thought Pepto Bismol was better."

The King shook his head and said, "I didn't say there was nothing better. I just said there was nothing like it."

Haigha then said, "I have a message for you, King. Come here and I'll whisper it to you."

The King and Eddy both leaned in to hear what he had to say, but instead of listening Haigha shrieked at the top of his lungs, "THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN." The force behind this yell sent Eddy flying into a rock wall and the king into an apple tree. After hitting the tree it caused all the apples to fall on him burying him up to his neck.

He bellowed, "Did you have to yell that flipping loud it rang through my head like an earthquake."

The Messenger ignored this and continued, "It's the Lion and the Unicorn. They're fighting for the crown again."

The King grumbled and said, "Who the heck keeps putting these ideas into their heads." He ran of with Eddy and Haigha following close behind.

Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin

"Rolf wonders were Kevin is?" Rolf said to himself as he, Kevin, and Nazz had got lost in the forest and Kevin had wandered off.

Nazz however couldn't care less. She still didn't control her powers and was yelling, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, DARN YOU." This was because she couldn't shut out the voices in her mind and was slowly loosing her sanity.

Rolf then saw someone and decided to ask her if she had seen Kevin and by someone I mean a queen dressed in red. When they walked up to her she said, "You folks seem to have lost my way and….will you please stop telling me to shut up."

Nazz screamed and said, "WELL, YOU NEVER DO. YOU DON'T SHUT UP EVEN WHEN YOU STOP TALKING."

"Stop talking?" said the Red Queen. "My dear girl, you're not hearing voices. You're hearing thoughts."

Nazz stopped screaming and asked, "Say what?"

The Queen continued, "Yes, go to that store over there. You'll probably find an extra telepath shield in there. Just tell the sheep running it that I sent you."

Hearing this, Nazz shot off like a bat out of heck for the store. Rolf then said, "Rolf would wish to know where Kevin is?"

The queen looked around and said, "If that kid over there is Kevin you might want to get him fast."

"Rolf wishes to know why you just said that," said Rolf."

"Because," the Queen said. "Those woods are where I keep my pet…."

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," screamed Kevin cutting the Red Queen off before she finished.

"…….Jabberwocky," the Red Queen then finished. They then saw Kevin run out of the woods with what looked like a fire breathing dragon nipping at his heels.

"Bad Jab," said the Queen. The Jabberwocky looked up and said something to which the Red Queen asked, "What did you say he called you?"

The Jabberwocky repeated his message and the Queen was none too pleased with it. She turned to Kevin and said, "Say do you know what I do to people that call my pet Jabberwocky a dork?"

Kevin answered, "No, why do you ask?"

The Queen pulled out a crowbar and said, "Let me show you." She proceeded to beat the crap out of Kevin. Nazz had came out at this time to watch Kevin get what was coming to him.

Jimmy and Sarah

The aforementioned two had been walking through a town when they saw a boxing ring with a lot of dust flying in the ring so they could barely even make out what was happening. The Mad Hatter was the announcer and said, "Well folks, the Lion threw a mighty right followed by a vicious left and…..oh, the unicorn ran him through with his horn. That's gotta hurt. But wait, sports fans, the lion got back and man is he beating him all around the town today." The dust and fighting continued for a few more minutes before the bell rang and the Hatter said, "Refreshments, refreshments, white and brown bread for everyone in attendance. Being handed out by the white King's messengers, Haigha and my cousin Hatta themselves." As he finished, Haigha and a tall lanky man wearing a hat as big as the one his cousin, the Mad Hatter, wore began passing around pieces of white and brown bread to everyone except the Lion and the Unicorn who were enjoying a nice plum cake. When the White King stomped over and said, "Alright who told you one of you would get my crown if you two beat the stuffing out of each other."

They looked at him and said, "No one. We just thought we'd get it if we beat ourselves to a pulp." The White King walked off grumbling, "I'm surrounded by morons." He walked into a building and came out with more drummers then you could shake a stick at and then they began to play any song they wished. Since none of them were singing the same song on their drums, you would expect it to be quite annoying. Thus the Lion and the Unicorn ran off and forgot about the fight. As they ran off out of sight, the King chuckled to himself and said, "That should keep my crown safe for a little while longer."

Jonny 2x4

While all this was happening, Jonny hadn't even left the beach with the upside down swimming pool and was yakking with some flowers the whole time.

The Kanker Sisters

As for the Kankers, well, they didn't get far at all - farther then Jonny, but not very far. The reason was because when no one was looking at them they fell into a trap door, and before they could get out, sleeping gas emitted from the walls. The pit was bigger then it appeared from the outside. As they went unconscious, the Queen Of Hearts wearing a gasmask with two guards (who were also wearing gas masks) strolled into the part where the light shined. "Good work, your Majesty, do you want their heads off?" asked the guards. The Queen grinned evilly under her gasmask and said, "No, I have a better plan…….."

(Well, there you are readers - Chapter 6. The next chapter will have them go in to Wonderland to begin the fight with the Queen. Again, please review.)


	7. Chapter 7

(And now readers we have the last chapter in this tale. Here we see how dastardly the Queen is and one of her best ideas yet.)

Chapter 7: Down with the Queen (or Eds vs. Kankers round 2 )

"Ha, paper beats rock, I win," said the Cheshire Cat who was playing "Rock, paper, scissors" with the Mock Turtle who began to cry when he lost.

The Cheshire Cat ignored this (The Mock Turtle is almost always crying for some weird reason) and walked over to the Griffin who was looking around with binoculars muttering, "The Queen is going to regret messing with me."

The Cat rolled his eyes and asked, "Are you still angry at the Queen for putting Nair in your shampoo?"

At this the Griffin's eyes began to water up with tears, and he began to cry bawling, "it's not fair a Griffin's greatest pride is his feathers. Why did she have to get rid of them? Why I ask you?"

The Cheshire Cat strolled over to the Caterpillar who was smoking his Hookah quietly and not taking the slightest notice of the Cat. The Cat said, "You do know that will give you lung cancer right?"

The Caterpillar looked at him for a minute or so and then blew smoke in the cat's face who said again in a choking whisper, "Oy, I hate it when he does that."

So there they all were - bored out of their skull - when suddenly "attention all Wonderlandians, this is Cthulhu speaking. It has come to my attention that the Queen has pulled a fast one on us and kidnapped the Kanker sisters. At this point I don't know what that freak is up to, but I'm giving you all permission to invade Wonderland and throw out the Queen." Cthulhu telepathically sent this message to every Wonderlandian They rushed out of the house and charged for the Queen's castle except the Dodo who stopped to cause a round slab of moon fall to the ground so he could have a vehicle to move on.

MEANWHILE IN THE QUEEN'S PALACE

"Yes, yes, yes," shouted the Queen. She was dancing for joy because she just found out that Trump discovered that "Trump pork and beans" was an excellent substitute for C4 and had reopened the line to sell it to the government. She was dancing when suddenly…

"Your grace, your grace, something terrible has happened," said one of her servants who was rushing in.

The Queen stopped dancing and asked, "What is Michel Jackson rising from the grave as a demented zombie with no head?"

The servant shook his head "No, it's even worse. Cthulhu's men have attacked the castle and are making progress in causing total anarchy."

The Queen shook her head and said, "Oy, their heads will roll for this." She turned on her PA system and said, "Attention, Crazy Gang, get your butts out there now and destroy those blasted attackers or else your heads will roll."

MEANWHILE IN LOOKING GLASS LAND

Jonny was still yakking with some flowers when Cthulhu came and said, "Get up. I'm sending you, Sarah, and Jimmy out to attack the Queen. The day of the coup has arrived, so get up already."

Jonny looked up at him and asked, "Oh, come on, can't I hear one more story?"

Cthulhu thought, "I was once confused as to whether Jonny is insane or stupid. Now I realize he's both." He grabbed him with a tentacle and stuffed him in a rocket with Sarah and Jimmy and told them, "I think it's only fair to warn you that the Queen has kidnapped the Kankers. So be prepared for anything. I'll send the rest in a little bit." And with that, he launched the rocket and watched it soar.

MEANWHILE AT THE QUEEN'S PALACE

Pandemonium ensued as the Wonderlandians made their move against the Queen. They didn't even fight rationally. They just ran around beating up card soldiers and acting crazy. When suddenly, the Crazy Gang showed up and said, "the Crazy Gang demands you stop these terrorist acts against our Queen." At this the Mock Turtle began to cry again, but instead the tears shot from his eyes in a pressurized blast that knocked out Tweedledope. Seeing him out of the fight, the others attacked. But the Knave Of Hearts was scooped up by the Griffin who threw him at the wall knocking him out. The Jester tried to slash the Caterpillar, but the Caterpillar made a force field that sent the Jester flying into a tree from the force of recoil. As for the Executioner, he tried to kill the Cheshire Cat, but he just turned invisible and gave him an atomic wedgie. And as if to add insult to injury, tripped him so he'd fall off a cliff and his underwear got caught on a branch making it the only thing keeping him from falling to his doom. Now to get to the Eds vs. Kankers match.

MEANWHILE IN LOOKING GLASS LAND

The Eds and Co. had gotten back together and were waiting for Cthulhu to arrive when he showed up a few minutes after he launched Jonny 2x4, Sarah, and Jimmy. He said, "Now here is the day I have been waiting for. I am going to use this rocket." He gestured to an even bigger rocket. He continued saying, "to send you all to the Queen's palace, but be careful because the Kankers were captured and I might have an idea what the Queen is planning on doing. So I'm sending you to get them out. Good luck. Oh, and leave the Queen to me. " And with that, the others got in and got blasted all the way to the palace.

MEANWHILE AT THE QUEEN'S PALACE

When the Eds and Co. landed the matter came as to what course of action to take before anyone even spoke. Rolf said in third person, "Rolf will go with psycho Nazz girl and "Dork" shouting Kevin and get rid of the soldiers while you go get the Queen and the Kankers both Ed boys, yes?" Before Double Dee could point out that the correct term was Psychic not Psycho, Rolf had grabbed the two and ran off faster then they could see. So they just walked of into the maze when suddenly a blast of fire landed right behind them. They looked up and saw the Kankers except they were wearing weird looking helmets.

They were still wondering why the Kankers were wearing ugly helmets when suddenly the Queen's voice came over a loudspeaker "So you are the three who have came to save the hostages," Suddenly the wall opened up and the Queen stepped out carrying Jimmy, Sarah, and Jonny 2x4 all bound and gagged and tied to a rocket. The Queen continued to monologue, "As you can see, the Kankers are now my puppets thanks to these helmets - blah, blah, blah, fret, fret, fret, etc, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS."

At this, the Kankers began to attack the Eds…minus Eddy. He ran like heck. Double Dee was barely holding up against Marie, and Ed was just running for his life - flying just out of the reach of May's hair.

Double Dee thought he was doomed until a plan came into his mind and he shouted, "Hey, Eddy, if you get rid of the Kankers I'll give you ten bucks"

Now Eddy may have ran off like a bat straight out of heck, but he can hear anything involving money a mile away. And upon hearing Double Dee, he turned around and headed towards the Kankers with a greedy look in his eyes. Double Dee meanwhile was hurriedly trying to use his acid to burrow into the ground before Marie's fire burned off his scalp. When suddenly…"whoo hoo hang ten dudes" Eddy yelled as he sped in on a massive wave of earth. The Kankers looked up and were surprised at this. May wasn't because Eddy used it to ram her and send her flying into the wall, knocking her out, and breaking the helmet in the process. Lee saw the whole spectacle and began to move towards Eddy. One of her hands turning into a mace as she advanced.

Eddy simply grinned and said, "Now, now, let's not be violent" and blasted Lee with two energy bolts - one at her helmet and another at her face sending her into the wall and knocking her unconscious as well. Marie saw Eddy coming for her, so she decided to get something done right and broke Double Dee's shield and grinned as she saw the shield burst into hundreds to tiny shards. Her joy was short lived as she noticed that there was a hole in the ground and Double Dee just held up a sign that said "missed."

Marie felt her temper start to rise and just as she was about to go to Double Dee and fry him she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned and saw Eddy throw a mighty wallop in her face with the help of a rock boxing glove breaking both her nose and the helmet and landing her unconscious.

The Queen saw this and said, "You may have gotten the pawns, but you won't save the hostages." She was about to launch the rocket when she saw the hostages were untied and Cthulhu was holding the broken ropes. Her jaw dropped and she run off into the maze…and got a horrible shock. When she did, they heard screaming and saw the Queen come back except she was chained and being carried by a large red skinned man with a forehead that had two horns that were filed down to nubs.

Everyone was confused even the Kankers who had regained consciousness by this time until Ed said, "Look it's, Hellboy."

Hellboy blinked and said, "Look if any of you don't mind I have orders to bring this freak in. Now if you would just get out of my way. I won't have to "get medieval" on ya." Everyone parted way for him. (Let's face it - would you be stupid enough to tick this guy off. I don't think so.) And he went off his own way.

Cthulhu blinked and said, "Weird, I didn't expect him to come here, so now homeward bound…"

"Could you excuse us a second, Cthulhu?" asked Lee. "We have a score to settle with Eddy for BEATING THE (CENSORED) OUT OF US." Eddy gulped and ran off with the Kankers in hot pursuit.

THE END…NOT

A shadowy figure was watching them the whole time. He watched with interest. The man thought to himself "Look at them. Those fools think it's all over. They don't realize that they have yet to face me - Xof.A. I can't wait to feast on their hearts…"

(This isn't my best work. I was rushing to finish it because once I finish this I am going to begin work on a fanfic I am making with Texaspanzer. And yes as the ending implies I will make a sequel, but don't expect it for a while.)


End file.
